Here we go again friends – another update in the truth bomb life of DK. I have a feeling this one might resonate with a few people.
Pictures. Photos. Moments captured in time – whatever you like to call them. Being 100% real with you quite often I get nervous to get my picture taken. I know this may seem bizarre considering that you see all of the pictures of me plastered across my Instagram and website. But what you probably don’t know is that each picture triggers a little spark of fear and nerves in me not wanting to see the image that comes up on the screen. Often I will take a picture and refuse to look at it until later when I am by myself, so that then I can work through my self loathing thoughts that poke through when I see the image.
It’s so bizarre how we can see ourselves in the mirror every single day from a certain angle but then as soon as we see a snap from another perspective our self confidence can plummet. We don’t like our chins, side profile or whatever it is that we battle with. However the people around us, in the picture or taking it, don’t notice even one of our personal critiques.
For me as soon as I see a picture I’m not satisfied with the inner mean DK floats her way in trying to pick apart the girth of my thighs or wrinkles around my smile. I think back to Rio which was when I was at my smallest point and even then I had those thoughts. The speculations became so natural that I would always look for the extra flab here or the fat there (I know it sounds so terrible, and I am not proud of this). And most heartbreakingly of all, I know I wasn’t the only girl there thinking those things. Unfortunately aesthetic sports can foster that culture. But at the end of the day how do those thoughts serve me? How do those thoughts serve us, as a culture and as a society? We all know that those actions do nothing but self destruct our confidence and soul.
My weight fluctuation is visually documented through the phases of my life chip away a part of my heart when I see those changes in my body. But then days, months, weeks or years later I look back at those photos and smile, thinking how silly I was in that moment, not allowing myself to see the beauty that makes me the person I am which I know goes further then skin deep.
This is something I am working through because I want it to change. I want that toxicity that holds me back from full self love to disappear. I am choosing the words ‘working through’ and not ‘struggle with’ because I am determined to not make this self destructive habit a permanent part of my life. It ultimately comes down to loving who I am unconditionally, something I am constantly working on improving. At the end of my life I want to know that I have lived fully in the moment and taken a picture to capture that memory. I know then that I won’t care about the silly worries that hold me back from being in pictures but rather the how fully I lived my life.
One of my beautiful friends shared with me once, that these pictures, the ones taken on birthdays, vacations and all the special occasions are pieces of memories that make up our life. I want my life to be cherished and lived to its absolute fullest. I want to know that I was kind to myself in the good times and the bad, and that kindness trickled into the life of every person around me. We preach kindness to each other so why don’t we practice a bit more with ourselves?
Like I said to you guys I am not trying to preach an answer through a magical five step formula. I’m not looking for pity, sorrow or validation – I am just sharing with you that I am working through it too and you are not alone.
Signing out to work on my own self kindness,